I'd make a swear jar, but I don't have the kind of income to keep up with my mouth.

roflm ask off ARM :)

I was once kidnapped by mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.

Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you'll be a mile away, and you'll have their shoes.

:)

If one door closes and another door opens... your house is probably haunted.

I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork. I think I nailed it, but nobody saw it.

:) lol

Two fish are in a tank. One says, ‘How do you drive this thing?

:)

Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.

ha ha ha :)

When past, present, and future walk into a bar, things tend to get real tense.

rofl

Bad puns are how eye roll.

roflmao :)

If you see someone crying, ask if it's because of their haircut

Happy Thanksgiving!

With great power comes great electricity bills.

ha ha:) funny cause it's true