Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up. I'm getting sick and tired of these cold calls.

roflmao :) you are on a roll !

If I had $1 for every time I opened the clock app instead of the calculator app, I'd have 3:15 pm.

What does James Bond do before he goes to bed? He goes undercover.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Why should you never iron a shamrock? Because you shouldn’t press your luck.

roflmao ")

I've just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I reckon that'll come back to bite me.

Went to a Cannibal wedding today. It was all going well... until they decided to toast the Bride and Groom.

What do you give to a puppy with fever? Mustard, because everybody knows that’s best for a hot dog.

When I was a kid I wanted to grow up to be a Gregorian Monk. But I never got the chants.

What's the opposite of a croissant? A happy Uncle.

I was banned from a karaoke bar for butchering "Danger Zone" one too many times. Yup. They locked me out for multiple insufficient Loggins attempts.

My time machine is the best thing till sliced bread.

I opened the medicine cabinet and a bottle of Omega 3 capsules fell on my head. Fortunately my injuries were only super fish oil.

You Tube, Twitter and Facebook are considering merging. Although the new name 'YouTwitFace' hasn't gone down very well.

Waiter: here’s your check. How did you find the steak?? Me: very easy. It was right next to the potatoes.

The Devil whispered to me, Im coming for you. I whispered back, Bring pizza.

The fact that some people can't distinguish between etymology and entomology bugs me in ways I can't put into words.

roflmao :)