roflmao :)

The fact that some people can't distinguish between etymology and entomology bugs me in ways I can't put into words.

The Devil whispered to me, Im coming for you. I whispered back, Bring pizza.

Waiter: here’s your check. How did you find the steak?? Me: very easy. It was right next to the potatoes.

You Tube, Twitter and Facebook are considering merging. Although the new name 'YouTwitFace' hasn't gone down very well.

I opened the medicine cabinet and a bottle of Omega 3 capsules fell on my head. Fortunately my injuries were only super fish oil.

My time machine is the best thing till sliced bread.

I was banned from a karaoke bar for butchering "Danger Zone" one too many times. Yup. They locked me out for multiple insufficient Loggins attempts.

What's the opposite of a croissant? A happy Uncle.

When I was a kid I wanted to grow up to be a Gregorian Monk. But I never got the chants.

What do you give to a puppy with fever? Mustard, because everybody knows that’s best for a hot dog.

Went to a Cannibal wedding today. It was all going well... until they decided to toast the Bride and Groom.

I've just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I reckon that'll come back to bite me.

roflmao ")

Why should you never iron a shamrock? Because you shouldn’t press your luck.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

What does James Bond do before he goes to bed? He goes undercover.

If I had $1 for every time I opened the clock app instead of the calculator app, I'd have 3:15 pm.

roflmao :) you are on a roll !

Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up. I'm getting sick and tired of these cold calls.