What does James Bond do before he goes to bed? He goes undercover.

If I had $1 for every time I opened the clock app instead of the calculator app, I'd have 3:15 pm.

roflmao :) you are on a roll !

Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up. I'm getting sick and tired of these cold calls.

Back in my day toilet paper and eggs were so cheap we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!

I made soup entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere... It was a broth of fresh air.

Ever have a nap so good that you wake up thinking you missed the school bus before remembering that it's Sunday, and you are 60?

I just found out the neighbourhood had a meeting about the crazy person on the block. it's weird that they didn't invite me.

I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now. I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…

:) :) :) roflmao

If pigs really could fly, I bet their wings would taste delicious grilled.

roflmao :)

I accidentally played 'dad' instead of 'dead' when the bear attacked. Now the bear can ride a bike without training wheels.

ro0flmao :)

For dinner tonight I'm treating my kids to a Himalayan rabbit stew. I found himalayan on the road.

I haven't tried yoga... but I have tried bending over to pick up my keys, so I'm pretty sure I'd hate yoga.

I have a friend who thinks an innuendo is an Italian suppository.

Apparently the Flat Earth Society has members all across the globe.

The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee. This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.

lolololololo :)