What's the opposite of a croissant? A happy Uncle.

When I was a kid I wanted to grow up to be a Gregorian Monk. But I never got the chants.

What do you give to a puppy with fever? Mustard, because everybody knows that’s best for a hot dog.

Went to a Cannibal wedding today. It was all going well... until they decided to toast the Bride and Groom.

I've just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I reckon that'll come back to bite me.

roflmao ")

Why should you never iron a shamrock? Because you shouldn’t press your luck.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

What does James Bond do before he goes to bed? He goes undercover.

If I had $1 for every time I opened the clock app instead of the calculator app, I'd have 3:15 pm.

roflmao :) you are on a roll !

Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up. I'm getting sick and tired of these cold calls.

Back in my day toilet paper and eggs were so cheap we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!

I made soup entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere... It was a broth of fresh air.

Ever have a nap so good that you wake up thinking you missed the school bus before remembering that it's Sunday, and you are 60?

I just found out the neighbourhood had a meeting about the crazy person on the block. it's weird that they didn't invite me.

I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now. I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…

:) :) :) roflmao

If pigs really could fly, I bet their wings would taste delicious grilled.

roflmao :)