Quitting Smoking
#31
(04-06-2021, 06:33 PM)Elric Wrote:
(04-06-2021, 06:43 AM)K1ll_R06U3 Wrote:
(04-06-2021, 03:04 AM)-RG- Wrote: I wish I could do vapes to kick this nasty 20 year habit.

Vapes make me hack, cough and regret I took a drag. People have told me maybe is the nicotine level.

Ha!  bitch please, I burn 2 packs a day.  40 fucking smokes. 

How is nicotine levels in a vape causing me issues?

It's supposed to be "healthier" so why the fuck does it cause me to hack up a lung every time I take a drag??

Vaping does the same to me. Cough my lungs out. I smoke rolled chop chop, home grown tobacco. Smoking 41 years. Generally pretty fit with no breathing issues. Filtered cancer sticks you have to stay away from. Loads more chemicals.
My research revealed that tailor-made cigarettes have a staggering 300-600 added chemicals, some of which are addictive. 
This is why cig smokers are not satisfied by a RYO. [I've not been able to find exactly what chems are added to RYO tobacco but suspect that it's minimal, if any] 

Someone also mentioned here recently that the filters themselves are a problem.  1dunno1   

What type of tobacco do you grow, Burley or Virginia? 
This year I didn't get a crop in due to my arm being messed up from the Red-back spider bite but I've got several pound of Burley stashed from previous years. 
It's a touch too high in nicotine so I'll steam it to make Cavendish. 
Hopefully I'll be able to find some Virginia seeds for next years grow season.
Good on you!
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#32
(04-06-2021, 02:26 PM)DeadpoolLovesYou Wrote:
(04-06-2021, 01:28 PM)PickleSnout Wrote: If she won't even try, it may be because after many moons of being with a Narc, she is unwilling to risk more hurt 'hoping' for change while someone tries to map their own minefield.
There comes a moment of self preservation.
I am not saying she is right or wrong, just having a perspective of the other side of the coin.

Kudos To you for even allowing the idea of 'there might be something wrong with me' into your pervue.
For a Narc, that occurance is incredibly low. Blaming others goes back to avoiding responsibility for their own actions which is far more common. Relationships are very notorious for assigning blame or responsibility in any case - It takes two, right?
Yet with Narcs it takes one to call the shots, and one to capitulate then get blamed when they will no longer play along.

That problem is way worse than the smoking! It is a pile of spaghetti you are trying to unravel.

Either one of those issues is difficult. Both together...an endurance race!

Doubling down on the well wishes.

Yeah, to clarify, she is the Narc at the moment and the consistency of it from the beginning of the relationship is far greater than the moments of me using a temporary Narc mask to survive.  It is so bad that she has yet to acknowledge it one bit, while I have outright owned it on my part.  I only began to see all of this when I tried to take all the blame and responsibility upon myself and it just wouldn't add up.  I was forced to acknowledge what she really is instead of the illusion I had been projecting upon her and lying to myself about.

If she isn't willing to try, it means she has been cheating and knows that there is no way to keep lying about that and that divorce is certain and will not be delayed for her convenience.
If not already literally cheating, then at least pursuing the idea and planning for it.  Contacting old flames, etc...    I am almost sure it is at least that and I don't know how much is too much for me to be able to forgive.  One of the reasons I think that is it is because of how suddenly this came up and how she said that there are all these "triggers" from being around each other...  Yeah, those are called guilty memories, not triggers.  Me being nice reminds her of how shitty she treated me, thus the only answer is to run away and not discuss why.  She can't find words because there aren't any that justify it.  It's not about something I need to change, its that she knows she would have to change as well.

For the first time last night she finally acknowledged that her response to my questions was devoid of any actual information and instead just a long attack on the way I asked the questions.  That is the hardest hump to get over with a Narc.  They are continuously defending and justifying their feelings while deflecting you from identifying that fact or uncovering the motivations or appropriateness of those feelings.  They are unable to understand the consequences of their actions on how you feel or to assign any value to it that comes any where close to the value they have for their own feelings.  When I said "do you see that none of that was addressing the issue and was instead an attack on how I am presenting it?" for the first time ever I could see her replaying it and then she said "yeah, I guess you're right."  So I ended that talk right there to let the idea sink in before going any further.  That one moment was more valuable to moving forward than any in the past weeks.  If we could ever talk about what we are trying to talk about instead of deflect or blame the process, I know we could move forward.   I just have the sinking and unshakeable feeling that there is something being hidden under the denials of infidelity.  She is going to have to face the reality that cheating isn't just about penetration and acknowledge that she has been a social/emotional cheater at the very least. The Marriage Builders site I posted earlier makes this very easy to identify and I recommend it to anyone, even if your marriage is going well.  The things it talks about are how to keep a good marriage going or make it better as much as to save one that is in trouble.
It takes both partners to make it work though. 

This is going to be a last chance scenario for me.  If she won't or can't at least discuss this material and adapt at least some of it to our lives, I will insist on a no contact separation.  It will be difficult though, while we don't have kids, we do have multiple pets that we are both very close to and that need a house with a backyard and high fences.  She would have to move to an apt and we would have to figure out how to split the debts and assets without selling this house.  I wouldn't be able to stand being around her long enough to find a new house or houses and sell this one.  Would the pets all stay together or have to be split up, what about visitation, etc...  Its a freaking nightmare of spaghetti.  So hopefully this can help her understand her own feelings about what she thinks is missing or broken.  I might be surprised at what it reveals, but I don't think so.  I think she will be the one shocked at her own feelings and level of responsibility for them once she sees them on paper and contrasted with mine.  Everyone wants to blame the guy in these scenarios and I think that is a terrible detriment that has hidden the reality from many couples.
You'll figure it out, DeadPool. You seem to have complete self awareness.




Quitting smokes maybe isn't the best thing right now, your heart and your pain might be a better place to concentrate.


I'm sorry you're going through this....the death of a marriage is total annIilation on ones heart..been there 

 Heartflowers
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#33
I may have an alternate explanation.

She might not be a true narcissist and may instead have ADHD.  It's underdiagnosed in adults and often mistaken for other disorders, including narcissism.  It would actually explain a lot of things.  It looks different in adults who have developed coping strategies as "normal life" and not realized that some are not normal at all.  It has some similarities with aspergers but different causes and aspects of the same behavior.   

Holy moley, one would expect some communication difficulties putting an autist male and an adhd woman together if neither knew about their diagnosis.
It's a dang miracle we made it this far.

I hope she is able to wrap her head around it and that it isn't too late.  If she really has been trying to be honest and truthful, despite the lack of any useful responses or comments so far.  this would be a logical explanation for most of the bad behaviors and misunderstandings.
Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies. 
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#34
This is the last response I will give to you.


This is thing with malignant narcissists, they can never truly self reflect because they see the world and casuality has only one side to them..what has only happened to them. They can't ever see the part they play.

The other thing I will say is: change sucks!

But you know what sucks even more? Being caught in a never ending loop that does not fulfill our hearts, souls and ultimately the collective conscious...that does not bring peace, love, and the braveness and integrity that goes with that.

I'm not suggesting you don't work on your marriage, I would never suggest that...

What I am suggesting is that you listen to what your god given intuition is telling you.


And you will be fine ..no matter the pain because sometimes when your heart and world shatter into a million pieces, it creates more room for love and creativity...which is what's it's about. CREATING the life you want.
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#35
(04-07-2021, 12:12 AM)DeadpoolLovesYou Wrote: I may have an alternate explanation.

She might not be a true narcissist and may instead have ADHD.  It's underdiagnosed in adults and often mistaken for other disorders, including narcissism.  It would actually explain a lot of things.  It looks different in adults who have developed coping strategies as "normal life" and not realized that some are not normal at all.  It has some similarities with aspergers but different causes and aspects of the same behavior.   

Holy moley, one would expect some communication difficulties putting an autist male and an adhd woman together if neither knew about their diagnosis.
It's a dang miracle we made it this far.

I hope she is able to wrap her head around it and that it isn't too late.  If she really has been trying to be honest and truthful, despite the lack of any useful responses or comments so far.  this would be a logical explanation for most of the bad behaviors and misunderstandings.


When I found the myers briggs personality test and read all of the things about myself it really was a slap in the face/awe moment on how I behave in generally every way.
Maybe if you both took a personality test and read each others Myers Briggs thing it would help you listen and talk to one another; it literally explains how you think.
It has helped me before; and it's literally the first thing I do when starting a new relationship LOL. :0)
here is a link...it's my type but you can get to the free thing

https://www.16personalities.com/infj-personality

Maybe you should stop trying to diagnose whatever it is and just listen; if she'll talk. No blaming eachother; just really listening to the other one's feelings.
1dunno1
[Image: vcTnVkw.png] 
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#36
[quote='sevenx' pid='438352' dateline='1617815747']
[quote='DeadpoolLovesYou' pid='438177' dateline='1617772356']

Gif didn't work  1dunno1
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#37
(04-07-2021, 11:54 AM)~Leela~ Wrote: This is the last response I will give to you.


This is thing with malignant narcissists, they can never truly self reflect because they see the world and casuality has only one side to them..what has only happened to them. They can't ever see the part they play.

The other thing I will say is: change sucks!

But you know what sucks even more? Being caught in a never ending loop that does not fulfill our hearts, souls and ultimately the collective conscious...that does not bring peace, love, and the braveness and integrity that goes with that.

I'm not suggesting you don't work on your marriage, I would never suggest that...

What I am suggesting is that you listen to what your god given intuition is telling you.


And you will be fine ..no matter the pain because sometimes when your heart and world shatter into a million pieces, it creates more room for love and creativity...which is what's it's about. CREATING the life you want.

I am listening to my intuition.  It just takes a while to understand what it is saying sometimes.  And now I finally can see the whole picture.  The easy path is just going with it and letting her make this mistake and finding later in life that I was right after all.  The easy path is giving up and just trying to find someone who can tolerate me as I am and I can tolerate them.  None of that fixes the underlying issues that we both have.  I can and am already working on solutions for me, but she has to accept and choose the same for herself.  I know that if she can receive and process the information correctly, that there is hope and that the path I have found to improve things would make a huge difference. The problem is getting through the things that she thinks she knows that just aren't true, or values/stimulus that have been assigned to the wrong source.
For example:  The morning after I mentioned that I think ADHD is the underlying cause of her discomfort and gave a few examples of the symptoms - such as having lots of lists that are copied over and over and never completed or always growing.  That has been a common theme and source of jokes - her addiction to lists- since we have known each other, so i thought it would be a good and obvious example. Nope.  Next morning she says - "I think you think I have more lists than I really do" and tried to downplay it.   So her defense mechanism was to attack one single symptom of several and to try to reduce its value or relevance as "not that bad".   This is related to the all or nothing black and white thinking i believe....  until there is a critical mass of evidence, she will resist like crazy, but once she finally starts to see it, she will probably flip the other way and spiral into seeing every single thing as related to it.  I think she actually does need to "hit bottom" or experience a temporary exaggeration in order to grasp the significance.  Eventually she will have to swing back to middle and start seeing things in true proportion.  ADHD and ASD are not the only issues here, but I think they are critical to be able to understand and navigate the other areas.

I'm going to try to convince her to start taking a 
Mucuna Pruriens supplement along with me.  It provides l-dopa, a precursor to dopamine.  Both ASD and ADHD are related to disregulation of dopamine.  After a couple days of being on that, we both should start feeling a little more stable and may be able to make some progress. It arrives today.
Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies. 
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#38
(04-07-2021, 12:15 PM)sevenx Wrote:
(04-07-2021, 12:12 AM)DeadpoolLovesYou Wrote: I may have an alternate explanation.

She might not be a true narcissist and may instead have ADHD.  It's underdiagnosed in adults and often mistaken for other disorders, including narcissism.  It would actually explain a lot of things.  It looks different in adults who have developed coping strategies as "normal life" and not realized that some are not normal at all.  It has some similarities with aspergers but different causes and aspects of the same behavior.   

Holy moley, one would expect some communication difficulties putting an autist male and an adhd woman together if neither knew about their diagnosis.
It's a dang miracle we made it this far.

I hope she is able to wrap her head around it and that it isn't too late.  If she really has been trying to be honest and truthful, despite the lack of any useful responses or comments so far.  this would be a logical explanation for most of the bad behaviors and misunderstandings.



When I found the myers briggs personality test and read all of the things about myself it really was a slap in the face/awe moment on how I behave in generally every way.
Maybe if you both took a personality test and read each others Myers Briggs thing it would help you listen and talk to one another; it literally explains how you think.
It has helped me before; and it's literally the first thing I do when starting a new relationship LOL. :0)
here is a link...it's my type but you can get to the free thing

https://www.16personalities.com/infj-personality

Maybe you should stop trying to diagnose whatever it is and just listen; if she'll talk. No blaming eachother; just really listening to the other one's feelings.
1dunno1

The personality test is a function of the underlying issues I am already addressing.  I've taken one in the past and the thing that stuck out was that it said I was too trusting and naïve when dealing with others.  LOL  go figure.   A "normal" person would have run for the hills screaming "bitch" a long time ago.  Instead, I have trusted her and excused her outbursts for years.

She isn't yet able to talk and verbalize the chaos in her head. All she can do at this point is take guesses, externalize the blame, and act impulsively to avoid conflict.  Talking will get nowhere until she understands that her processing is flawed.  That she overreacts to certain stimulus and assigns false values to them.  Its like trying to convince someone who saw a ghost that it was just a sheet flapping in the breeze, after they have told their story 100 times.  You can show them the video and they will refuse to accept it because they rewrote all the details in memory to fit the false initial reaction. You must have edited the video or it is the wrong day.  It couldn't be that they were wrong the first time.

That's what I'm dealing with.  While at the same time, I have to battle my own similar past cognitive assumptions - but not ignore them altogether.  The whole process is high-risk to my own progress, so knowing when to quit vs persevere makes it even harder.  It would be easier to just leave, but not more rewarding than turning things around.
Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies. 
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